So here was my race

Liz: "Dad, Dennis rode the course in 30 minutes- you better not take longer than that!"
Dad (Dad being me): "I'll try kiddo, but it's pouring and well I'm not fast anymore."
Liz: "Don't try that on me Dad."
Dad: "Ok, go watch your sister."

Eli: "You ready to rock this course like a hurricane?"
Me (feels weird to do refer to myself as Dad when talking about Eli): "Ummm, maybe?"
Eli: "5,4,3,2,1 go, go like the wind."
Me: actually I already couldn't speak, out of breath

Me: (in my head- and even in my head I sound out of breath)- "damn this is hard, watch that entrance, duh, ok, run, watch your shin, ouch f$*&cking pedal, you stupid bastard, ok get on go, go, go- this frikin hurts"
Me: (still in my head, later on course- Whiplash to be exact): "can that time be right, I'm at the top of the course and I'm at 15 minutes, damn I'm flying, I'm going to crush that Dennis Morgan- I'm going to crush him like potato chips on the floor of my car, I'm going to crus... oh shit- ground coming up quick. Ok back up, why did that happen, why can't I see, why is this cloud bank so think, wait it's my glasses, you dumb ass, take them off, into the pocket, where is the pocket, why are you like a retarded monkey drunk on skunked beer- why did I just think that, ok put the damn glasses in the pocket- now run, ok walk, but walk faster, back on the bike you sissy- there you go, hey I'm flying now- ok back off the bike, run, walk, back on, back off, this is getting stupid, go, go, ok ride the rest of this- wow look at that slug- I bet the slugs are loving this weather....."
Me: (in my head, back on gravel): "Oh look at this time, I'm killing it- I can be back in in 5 minutes, I'm the man, Lance ain't got shit on me, I'm so fas......oh crap, A LEFT, are you kidding me A LEFT, I could be so much faster if I went straight- argh, nobody would know if I went straight, just go straight- why are you going LEFT!!! You make some crap decisions in you life, but you do the right thing here- what the hell is wrong with you, ok just keep going, maybe you're not as fast as you thought, oh man another Left- are you kidding me- I can be fast through here- crap traction, don't nut yourself, who is coming up on me? Why are they coming up on me so fast? This sucks. There he goes- look at him all fit and trim and in a UNH jersey, I wonder if they have scholarships for cycling, I wonder if he dopes, I wonder if he's like the next Lance Armstrong, I'm so sick of hearing about Lance, almost as much as Michael, watch that root, duh...."

Me: (back on gravel)- "I can still crush Dennis, I can regain my crown as the fast guy formerly from Center Conway when you only consider a carefully selected group of people, I can get in by 28 minutes, oh I'm cranking now. Wait- a little piece of new single track, sweet, save some climbing, oh I can be in in under 27 minutes- I'm the Mac Daddy! Wonder what Mac is doing? The prick is probably in the hot tub drinking a beer, argh, and I'm racing in the rain in 52 degree temps in July- I'm just stupid, why is there a camel over there? Ok crank this hill, damn I'm going fast, damn I just blew up, damn just get me in, here comes the finish- is Eli even paying attention try to say something, can't, he'll see me- ok- DONE."

Me: (out loud): "I kicked Morgan's Ass!"

Liz: "Dad you beat 30 minutes, but Dennis did it in 25 something."
Dad: "Argh, are you kidding me. Oh well, I can live with that."

Fast forward to this morning- I click on a Garmin Connect link, it shows 24:41

Me: "Damn, I've got work to do. Maybe I should write a funny thing to send to Dennis letting him know that I tried like hell to crush him, but instead was the one crushed, yeah that's a good idea- it'll only take a minute"

Moral of the story- if I can cut the amount of time it took me to write this damned thing- I'd be faster than you!


By the way- it's raining.


later,
DEA